Group dynamics confuse me. I've always noted that after an initial period of settling in to a new or existing group, say work or exercise club or dance group, there comes a period that I will call the jockey for position. This is when you just get to know all the names and personalities and then everything changes and I have to learn all over again, usually from the outside. I don't understand it. It seems Darwinian (Survival of the fittest at it's most extreme.) Yet a polite society that reveres life leaves no room for survival of the fittest. (We would have no elderly housing, no Stephen Hawking, no health care, no police in a society structured on survival of the fittest.) So, it seems to me that we have this leftover genetic conditioning that is slowly becoming obsolete, yet it rears it's ugly head when people gather in groups. (Mooooo! Herd mentality!)
While I can intellectually understand the jockey for position as a strange, competitive, leftover from evolution, I have never been able to find a place for social jostling in a compassionate lifestyle. Elevating myself on the backs of the fallen just strikes me as mean. Throwing anyone under the bus to ensure a higher social position is morally repellent to me.
I realize that I will have to make this concrete as the theoretical for one is hard to imagine for another and you have my apologies. At school, I was made fun of for one reason or another and I never learned how to deal with that. My inclination was to stand up to the bully or call the people out on their mean teasing. Standing up to the bully only works on overt and physical meanness and it does work. When the bully stole my brother's bike, I kicked the bully in the sensitive place and rode away with my brother's bike. When the bully picked on my little sister, I stood up to the bully in a public schoolyard fight. So those interactions worked. No one actively hit or stole anything from my brothers or sisters. But it was the subtle, meaner bullying that I never got used to. I was always hurt and confused when the pretty, mean girls excluded me or subtly snubbed me or worse, outright lied when I asked them why. (In my stupidity and youth, I actually asked the mean girls why they don't talk to me, don't invite me anywhere in the hopes of changing something flawed in me. Across the board, all the responses were, "Justina, what are you talking about? We like you! -Huge fake smile here-, we are just so busy as a group what with work, families and friends, we -insert excuse here-!" Then, it was all, "Hi Justina!" -Huge smile and no more interaction all day at either school or work.- And I was always stunned at their perception of my intelligence. Did they really think that I wouldn't notice the difference between what they said and what they did? Did they really think that if they smiled at me, I wouldn't notice their fangs? And that seems to be the case now as an adult, I am 40 now and I am still astounded at how few people actually see the motivations bubbling so close to the surface. How do people look at a person and fail to see the malice dripping from a smile? How is it that people fail to see the genuine meanness iced over with a sugary glaze? Personally, I think trying to hide who you are behind a savage comment, "Hey Dan, when is the baby due?....Oh, that was mean? Gosh, I'm only joking!" insults the intelligence of the recipient. As if Dan will say to himself, "Oh, it's perfectly all right for others to point out my weight gain publicly, he is just teasing!" (Here's where my inclination gets me into trouble as I do either one of two things. I stand up and say, "Wow, Bob, that was rather catty, knock that *beep* off and speak to me with respect." Or I say something like, "Oh, Bob, I see your personality transplant didn't take. You are still a jerk." And if I have to work with Bob or see him semi regularly, that is the end of all communication with Bob.
Last night, at work (I am a waitress) a similar incident happened. A dishwasher was making fun of me and it was rather mean. And because I never learn, I told him to speak to me with respect or shut his fat mouth. Surprise, surprise! He lied, claiming he was never making fun of me, but he was actually making fun of the tall waiter who came in as our conversation was almost over. I told him that men tell the truth and when he grew hair, he should come try to be friends again. (I really did!) So, now, I am supposed to assume that somehow the dishwasher was psychic and was able to predict that the tall waiter (no names here at this restaurant, I signed a confidentiality agreement....really) was coming in and would instantly grasp the bent of his humor. Er, gee, I seem to have left all my critical thinking skills at home today. I'll just believe everything you say because, hey, you smiled at me!
I used to think that it was the pretty girls who wasted all that time in stepping on faces socially. The mean, pretty girls who used the flaws and foibles of others to hoist themselves up by their corset strings. I am learning that my assumptions were flawed. I am adorable (modest too.) and somehow, I was labeled with the Nerd sharpie. (Hmmmm, maybe it's the love of books and academia.)
I need to state that the restaurant is my part time job and that my full time job is rewarding but isolating. I work one on one with children. That's probably why I never learned how to deal with the subtle meanness of group settings. It's usually just me and the children and occasionally the parents or other therapists. I took the waitress job to have more spending money. (Who doesn't want more money these days?)
So, I am going to ask everyone to write back and tell me how you deal with the subtle, snubbing mean ways of others. Cuz my methods are just not working out for me. My smart mouth tends to get me in trouble. (Don't get me wrong, I love my sass! It's a big part of who I am. I'm smart and I'm cute and I will say stuff that you will not expect! I'll surprise ya and you'll laugh, guaranteed!) I've tried ignoring them, but they don't get that my ignoring them means to stop being mean to me. Quiet ignoring does nothing but provoke and how awful is that? Calling them out on it produces lies. Equal teasing produces a weird, passive aggressive payback. (Last night, I waited an hour for my freaking pizza! Er, an hour? I work here, dammit! It shouldn't take an hour to get my pizza. WTF? Have I mentioned that I haven't done a *beeping* thing to the cooks? Except get them water when they are thirsty, that is my sole interaction with the cooks, so why this passive aggressive crap with my food? At this point, I do not trust them not to spit in my food and I will be brown bagging it from now on. The manager from last night had me wait in his office to cash out for over 15 minutes while he wandered around the kitchen, joking with the cooks....er, what? Hey, it's only New Year's Eve. I've only worked a 12 hour shift, take your time and no, I don't mind waiting for you to do the right thing.) I used to console myself with the thought that anyone who prefers the smiley, savage mean girls to my company absolutely deserves the end result of their choice. It's like befriending a panther, at one point, they will turn on you. But there is no more comfort in the stupidity of others. I have been shoved to the background again, or in this case, the brick oven.
No comments:
Post a Comment